It’s that time of year again.
Y’know, where I post at the beginning of the year starry-eyed and hopeful for the New Year, thoroughly over the last year, and full of *Cogsworth voice* promises I don’t intend to keep.
Only this year is a little different.
Okay this year is A LOT different.
We all are fully aware of the trash fire that was 2016. And in many ways 2017 isn’t looking too better. There are many fights to be fought and honestly I’m not 100% convinced I have the strength of mind to fight them. Already I find myself leaning away from Twitter, too exhausted to read more propaganda or more posts telling me that me avoiding said propaganda and giving up is one of the many intended effects of propaganda. I don’t know if I have it in me to call a representative several times a day, every day, to hopefully stop them from further gutting this country. On top of school, on top of work, on top of trying to maintain some semblance of mental and emotional health. It’s fucking scary, dudes. Every time I see an SNL or Daily Show skit making fun of current events or our President-elect, in-between laughing I can’t shake this fear of what’s going to happen to them for doing this? I’m not ready to live in a V for Vendetta world. I mean, the world was a scary place to begin with, but now? For a pansexual non-binary minority with mental illness?
BUT. My resolution this year was simple:
Write, draw, live, dress, all of it unapologetically (pretty sure that’s a word). So I’m going to write what I want, both in fiction and here, on this blog that like, 4 people read. This may or may not mean discussions or looks at current events (I’ve already got one that’s been picking at me for a while now) or just some boosting of great fiction. Looks at movies or video games or maybe I’ll crochet some amigurumi and share it with you. We’ll see what happens. I don’t want to make any promises of what to expect from me in coming months, here on this blog. I can only say that I’ll try. That’s how I’m going to fight the fight.
Finally, it seems weird, but I can’t ignore that 2016 wasn’t a complete shitshow. A lot went wrong, a lot got scary, but on a personal level, a lot went really well. I cut all ties with a toxic ex. I made great progress in therapy. Even though I don’t yet have an agent, I’ve made more progress on the road to getting published than I ever have before. It’s a book that has many elements that are #ownvoices and that’s so incredibly important to me. And I found a place for me in school, doing things I truly enjoy. I have goals for the future. Which, considering how hazy the path ahead is, is a scary notion in and of itself.
But mostly, I want to interact more with all of you.
2016 ended with me finding out that a classmate and friend committed suicide. I was heartbroken. I just sat in my chair and cried and hugged a cat while my sister tried to encourage me over text to at least eat something. And then, the next day, I got up and put in the effort to get back to work. Because unfortunately I’m no stranger to friends and family dying. Because all you can do is keep moving forward. Because even though I only knew them for one semester, we had fun. Because my last memory of them is sitting there and going through their selfie-parody album on Facebook. Because it was hilarious and genuine and made me feel like maybe I didn’t have to be afraid of being silly and sharing it. Because even though I only saw this person 2 hours, twice a week, from late August to early December, they had such an amazing impact on my life.
Because I don’t want to risk missing out on that with any of you. I hope to have a positive impact on you. I know that you will on me. So I’m going to keep trying and I’m going to try harder, without apologies.
A long time ago I stopped making resolutions to do, and to instead try. Because you can’t fail at trying.
So, here’s to you and me and my friend.